I can’t tell you how much I hate being in purgatory. Oddly enough, though, I am not frustrated with anything going on or any one here in Ukraine. In fact, everyone here thus far has been extremely generous with their time and it’s been a pleasure interacting with people–from the awesome women at the SDA who worked with us and never once made us feel like we were under pressure to wrap it up quickly; to the women in the train who helped us off in Kramatorsk with our luggage; to the orphanage staff who have been extremely accomodating with their time and in answering all of our questions regarding Little Person.

No, the one institution I’m extremely frustrated with (or, as Na would say “flusterated” with) is the medical center we’re working with back home. We’ve placed all of our trust in this group of highly specialized medical professionals, asking them to guide us in the process of making a decision with Little Person and all we’re getting right now is wishy-washy answers, like “Well, Little Person “may” have FAS…but…it’s hard to tell…” I mean, what kind of frickin answer is that? And we know the group of doctors has it in them to make a sound yeah or nay decision for us–they did it 4.5 years ago with Mr. Na. The problem, though, is that the original doctor we worked with, Dr. Awesome, is on leave, and her colleague, Dr. I’m-Not-Sure is fielding all international adoption referrals…so instead of getting the resounding, “Yes, you have my medical blessing to proceed with the adoption” as we did last time from Dr. Awesome, we have been hearing crap like, “the photo analysis of Little Person is, unfortunately, as borderline as my impression.” He’s not giving us a green light OR a red light…but instead, it’s yellow, baby. And c’mon, we all know that everyone responds differently to yellow lights…I tend to blow through them, but others tend to be more conservative.

Now, stop right there if you think I’m upset because I’m not hearing what I WANT to hear, i.e. “Yes, by all means, proceed with the adoption!” I’d rather Dr. I’m-Not-Sure say something like “Little Person is at extreme risk of having FAS and I don’t advise you to proceed…”

But, quite honestly, I’m used to hearing this sorta/kinda crap from Dr. I’m-Not-Sure because he is also Mr. Na’s pediatrician back home. And after we came home with Mr. Na, still riding the high from Dr. Awesome’s medical blessing, I was completely taken aback when Dr. I’m-Not-Sure was insistent upon taking pictures of Mr. Na and putting them into the software analysis program because he thought Mr. Na was at risk of FAS. Even after Dr. Awesome said “no, he really doesn’t have any facial features pointing to FAS” Dr. I’m-Not-Sure gave us his signature “I’m not sure.” So, you can only imagine how freaked out I was for a few weeks, wondering if our newly-adopted child was ever going to lead a normal, healthy life. I was even MORE freaked out after they lost the first batch of pictures they took of Mr. Na and asked us to come back in to have them retaken because they “just can’t find them.”

And the kicker? We’re paying DOUBLE now from the rate we paid in 2004. So, my friends, for $1,000, Dr.-I’m-Not-Sure is staying true to his word(s).

Pa handled Dr. I’m-Not-Sure’s latest e-mail with finesse, I have to say…we haven’t yet received a reply, but here’s a snippet of what Pa wrote:

“In the end we’ll want to hear a gut ‘go/no go’ from you as if you were the one to be the new parent for the rest of this child’s life. Not moderate/high, amber, etc levels of risk/concern. And to be clear, if you say ‘go’ we understand there is still a possibility of undetected FAS/FAE.”

At this point, I don’t know what to do. We want to go back to the orphanage today to see Little Person, but it’s getting much harder for all of us to remain objective. Pa says, “I just wish Little Person would smile at one of us, and that would make it so much easier…” but Little Person IS detatched…could care less if we were in the room…which is so very hard to try and analyze. Is it because Little Person just isn’t used to focusing on more than one object at a time? Or is it that Little Person has trust issues because Little Person was seriously neglected since birth? I can parent a hurt child…but not a child with FAS.

Today we are going to bring some blocks (they’re the cutest little blocks with pictures of animals on them and cyrillic letters that correspond to the animal, i.e.”c is for elephant…” whatever elephant is in Russian!) to see if Little Person will take them and play with them. It was hard yesterday because I think Little Person was overwhelmed and overstimulated. All Little Person wanted to do was pick up a hula hoop and study it intently…or feel the texture of the lace curtains in the playroom or pick up a stick and draw with it in the sand outside. I understand that this is highly common for institutionalized kids, but remember, our baseline was Mr. Na, who would shout “PRIVYET!” whenever we came to visit… We will make observations and send our impressions back to Dr. I’m-Not-Sure, but I’ve gotta tell you…I’m taking a guess that he won’t come back with anything more definitive.

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