Man oh man, I had a bad morning, and 99.999% of it is because of our trip. Y’see, I’m making this awful mistake of reading the blogs from people who are in Ukraine right now. One couple is actually using our facilitator. They’re happy with the referral they got, but they requested a girl between the ages of 6-13 years-old. The other couple I’m following had their appointment on the same day as the first couple I mentioned, and they requested a 6-8 year-old girl, and rejected all three of the referrals they were shown. They’re having their second appointment on Monday to see if they get new referrals. Sounds ok so far, right? But the couple using our facilitator writes, “Make sure that before you come over here, you have ‘the talk’ with your spouse to clarify what you will and won’t be willing to accept for a referral. And don’t come in with high expectations.”

Now, Pa and I already had ‘the talk’ but I’m totally freaked that we are going to get there and reject our referrals and go home and then it’s “game over”. I think it’s because secretly (though not so secretly now!) we both want the same exact experience we had when we adopted Na and it’s killing us to know that it just won’t be the same. Pa and I had another little talk last night and he asked me if we should pack any onesies in our luggage and I went, “Why?” and he was like, “because you never know!” and I was like, “Well…there is no one I’ve ‘read’ over the last few years who adopted a child small enough to fit into a onesie.” Which is true though, as Pa pointed out, not everybody comes forward with their success stories on the community adoption boards. In fact, when they do, they get pounced on by everyone else, who accuses them for perpetuating the corruption in Ukraine by bribing people to get a younger, healthy child.

Either way, I’m seriously freaked that our hour at the SDA (the adoption center in Kiev) will pass and we’ll leave without having a referral. Pa says, “Well, we’ll just chalk this up to a really expensive vacation to Ukraine and call it a day…” but I can’t do that. See, that’s why I’m going in the first place…to find that special little someone to complete our family. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be devastated if we came home without him or her. Yet that’s the risk we take for adopting.

Pa constantly reminds me, as he peels me off the wall when I get like this, that I had the same exact fear before we went to Ukraine the first time. And when I say, “yeah, but…” he counters with, “yeah but it was yeah but last time, too, and look what happened.”

Look indeed. I look at that kid every day and marvel over how awesome (albeit goofy) he truly is!

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