I woke up this morning hoping that yesterday was just a dream. It wasn’t. Oatie is gone and we’re still in Ukraine and both Pa and I had random crying jags yesterday at the most seemingly inappropriate times.

We pinned down Dr. I’m-Not-Sure after sending him answers to questions created by Towson University–a guide to tracking childrens’ development while living in an orphanage. We also took loads of video footage of Little Person and the good…no, make that GREAT news is that Dr. I’m-Not-Sure has ruled out FAS. Despite the heaviness in our hearts over Oatie, we managed to breathe a sigh of relief and make our decison about Little Person.

So…with that in mind…(drum roll please)…we’ve decided to move forward with adopting Little Person. We’re thrilled and ecstatic…it’s just that our decision came during a really low point.

For now, I still won’t disclose any personal information about Little Person, given that we’re still in the thick of things, but I will tell you about the experiences we shared over the last few days, which encouraged our decision and warmed our hearts.

I mentioned before, during our first visit with Little Person, that we weren’t getting any eye contact…not even any kind of acknowledgment that we were there. But on Saturday, when we returned the second time, Little Person ran…literally RAN across the room right to Pa with arms in the air so he would lift Little Person up. Little Person was all smiles and I pretty much burst into tears since it was a complete 180 from what we had experienced the day before. Little Person still didn’t make eye contact, but we were armed with a lot of information about the events in Little Person’s life that explains why. Little Person is one hurt little child. We do not suspect physical abuse from the birthparents, but I can almost guarantee that this child was left in a crib for days on end with nothing more than an occasional bottle.

This also explains why Little Person is about a year behind in all facets of child development, including speech, mental, and physical growth. If we could change Little Person’s birthdate back a year, Little Person would be right on target. The key to all of this, though, was tracking Little Person’s development while in the orphanage. Little Person may not be on the growth chart for children the same age, but the child’s growth curve tracks along others.

Another reason why Little Person mistrusts people is that TWO different couples previously (not very long ago, either) spent a lot of time and proceeded with the intent to adopt Little Person and then, for whatever reason…they changed their minds at the last minute. No one can tell us why…and it baffled the entire orphanage staff and the staff at the SDA…but clearly these two couples had left an impression on Little Person, who had bonded with both couples, only to have them leave. This child is loaded to the brim with abandonment issues.

Yesterday, Little Person greeted us even more heartily yesterday, which was so comforting given our sadness over our beloved dog. We played with Little Person for three hours and even though a shopping bag filled with blocks was the highlight, we could defeinitey see Little Person warming up to us little by little.

We have a lot of work ahead of us with Little Person, but we both feel prepared. And Na is pretty darned psyched to be Little Person’s big brother.

So, our next steps are to file oddles of paperwork and apply for a court date and visit Little Person every day, twice a day, while we wait. We are still a lonnnnng way away from coming home. If I had to take a wild guess, I would say that Na and I are still coming home on August 15, but Pa and Little Person will be home sooner than our anticipated date of August 28. At this point, it’s just a guess.

I can’t tell you how much I hate being in purgatory. Oddly enough, though, I am not frustrated with anything going on or any one here in Ukraine. In fact, everyone here thus far has been extremely generous with their time and it’s been a pleasure interacting with people–from the awesome women at the SDA who worked with us and never once made us feel like we were under pressure to wrap it up quickly; to the women in the train who helped us off in Kramatorsk with our luggage; to the orphanage staff who have been extremely accomodating with their time and in answering all of our questions regarding Little Person.

No, the one institution I’m extremely frustrated with (or, as Na would say “flusterated” with) is the medical center we’re working with back home. We’ve placed all of our trust in this group of highly specialized medical professionals, asking them to guide us in the process of making a decision with Little Person and all we’re getting right now is wishy-washy answers, like “Well, Little Person “may” have FAS…but…it’s hard to tell…” I mean, what kind of frickin answer is that? And we know the group of doctors has it in them to make a sound yeah or nay decision for us–they did it 4.5 years ago with Mr. Na. The problem, though, is that the original doctor we worked with, Dr. Awesome, is on leave, and her colleague, Dr. I’m-Not-Sure is fielding all international adoption referrals…so instead of getting the resounding, “Yes, you have my medical blessing to proceed with the adoption” as we did last time from Dr. Awesome, we have been hearing crap like, “the photo analysis of Little Person is, unfortunately, as borderline as my impression.” He’s not giving us a green light OR a red light…but instead, it’s yellow, baby. And c’mon, we all know that everyone responds differently to yellow lights…I tend to blow through them, but others tend to be more conservative.

Now, stop right there if you think I’m upset because I’m not hearing what I WANT to hear, i.e. “Yes, by all means, proceed with the adoption!” I’d rather Dr. I’m-Not-Sure say something like “Little Person is at extreme risk of having FAS and I don’t advise you to proceed…”

But, quite honestly, I’m used to hearing this sorta/kinda crap from Dr. I’m-Not-Sure because he is also Mr. Na’s pediatrician back home. And after we came home with Mr. Na, still riding the high from Dr. Awesome’s medical blessing, I was completely taken aback when Dr. I’m-Not-Sure was insistent upon taking pictures of Mr. Na and putting them into the software analysis program because he thought Mr. Na was at risk of FAS. Even after Dr. Awesome said “no, he really doesn’t have any facial features pointing to FAS” Dr. I’m-Not-Sure gave us his signature “I’m not sure.” So, you can only imagine how freaked out I was for a few weeks, wondering if our newly-adopted child was ever going to lead a normal, healthy life. I was even MORE freaked out after they lost the first batch of pictures they took of Mr. Na and asked us to come back in to have them retaken because they “just can’t find them.”

And the kicker? We’re paying DOUBLE now from the rate we paid in 2004. So, my friends, for $1,000, Dr.-I’m-Not-Sure is staying true to his word(s).

Pa handled Dr. I’m-Not-Sure’s latest e-mail with finesse, I have to say…we haven’t yet received a reply, but here’s a snippet of what Pa wrote:

“In the end we’ll want to hear a gut ‘go/no go’ from you as if you were the one to be the new parent for the rest of this child’s life. Not moderate/high, amber, etc levels of risk/concern. And to be clear, if you say ‘go’ we understand there is still a possibility of undetected FAS/FAE.”

At this point, I don’t know what to do. We want to go back to the orphanage today to see Little Person, but it’s getting much harder for all of us to remain objective. Pa says, “I just wish Little Person would smile at one of us, and that would make it so much easier…” but Little Person IS detatched…could care less if we were in the room…which is so very hard to try and analyze. Is it because Little Person just isn’t used to focusing on more than one object at a time? Or is it that Little Person has trust issues because Little Person was seriously neglected since birth? I can parent a hurt child…but not a child with FAS.

Today we are going to bring some blocks (they’re the cutest little blocks with pictures of animals on them and cyrillic letters that correspond to the animal, i.e.”c is for elephant…” whatever elephant is in Russian!) to see if Little Person will take them and play with them. It was hard yesterday because I think Little Person was overwhelmed and overstimulated. All Little Person wanted to do was pick up a hula hoop and study it intently…or feel the texture of the lace curtains in the playroom or pick up a stick and draw with it in the sand outside. I understand that this is highly common for institutionalized kids, but remember, our baseline was Mr. Na, who would shout “PRIVYET!” whenever we came to visit… We will make observations and send our impressions back to Dr. I’m-Not-Sure, but I’ve gotta tell you…I’m taking a guess that he won’t come back with anything more definitive.

We awoke this morning to the incredibly sad news that Oatmeal was very sick and unresponsive. Our very kind, loving housesitter took her to the vet where they discovered she had cancer in her spleen with more tumors in her liver.

We were faced with the choice of surgery over putting her to sleep and in the end, we chose the latter. Oatie is 11 and very frail and we don’t think the surgery would have given her a more comfortable quality of life–especially if the tumors were spreading.

Pa is just a puddle of goo right now because more than anything, he wanted to be with Oatie when it was time. But given that home is a three-day journey, at least, it wasn’t feasible. There was no point in making her suffer any longer.

Scout, our fearless puppy, will be by her side when she falls asleep. We know, at the very least, he will bring her comfort.

Pa brought Oatie home on Halloween 1997–only a month after we met. To him, she was part of the trifecta: a new house, a new dog, and a new love — and so seeing her go (or, in this case, not seeing her go) leaves a gaping hole, the size of Ukraine.

Na is taking it as well as he can…given that he’s six, I don’t think it’ll sink in until he comes home and sees she’s gone.

Anyway, not the news we wanted to hear (or post) during this trip, and it certainly brought about an astronomical level of homesickness.

We arrived by train this morning around 6:30 and wandered about
looking for some food. Nothing was open but a small kiosk with patio
seating…many of the tables were still occupied by those who started
drinking the night before, and found the table a suitable place to
pass out.So, among the unconscious revelers,
We had butter cookies and instant Nescafe for breakfast–the only
things available at that hour. But we didn’t have to wait too long to
go to the orphanage. Good thing, too because the stray dogs around
the kiosk were getting feisty and the drunks were starting to regain
consciousness.We spoke with the director of the orphanage who seemed quite taken
with Mr. Na. It’s funny, too, because we’ve noticed that when we tell
people in Ukraine how Mr. Na earned his nickname, they get a good
laugh out of it!

Then the head physician came in and began reading Little Person’s file
to us. As she did, the door opened and Little Person came into the
room holding a nurse’s hand. Little Person was quite little indeed,
but very precious and we were quite taken. Even Mr. Na did his best
to entertain Little Person. We spent a long time reviewing Little
Person’s history and observing and engaging…but it was hard because
Little Person wasn’t exactly engaged–until, of course, Mr. Na broke
out the cookies. But even then, Little Person would take a cookie and
then be done with us. Such a stark contrast from meeting Na for the
first time who, if he had the language, would have tried to sell us a
car when we first met him–he was that sociable.
We took notes and video and pictures and then after two hours we said
our goodbyes and left to scope out an apartment one of the orphanage
workers rented out to families. It’s a roomy place with air
conditioning and internet and a washing machine–and a steal for $50 a
night. We just don’t know how long we are going to be here, since
we’re still communicating back and forth with UW about Little Person.
The doctor has a few questions which we’ll have to get answered
tomorrow. It’s so hard at this point because I want to tell you
everything but I can’t because it’s too soon. Little Person SEEMS
healthy albeit super small and delayed by about a year. So the doctor
is going to run some pictures we took through their FAS software they
developed to see if there is any trace.I hate this part because no
matter how hard I try to remain detatched I still want this to work
out. It’d be hard to walk away.
More tomorrow.

I  only have a few minutes though because I am on my way to the SDA to pick up our referral. These last 24 hours have been a rollercoaster ride filled with
emotions. I am so happy I got to run for a little while today to shake some of the blues away, so I am feeling better. Plus we received a tiny piece of good news this morning.  I can’t disclose anything yet but after yesterday’s appointment I felt somewhat discouraged. I feel a lot better today. The women at our appointment
were so very generous with their time. We spent an hour there and Na
was such a good kid for sitting still and playing with his Nintendo. I brought pictures of Na to leave with them: one of him in the orphanage and one of him taken at the beach. They really enjoyed them. It must be fulfilling to see how the children are doing.
Anyway, gotta scoot.

I can’t begin to tell you how different our trip is compared to last time. First off, we’ve had more downtime, so we’ve been able to get adjusted to the time change. And since we were in Kiev last time in the dead of winter, we never had the chance to go out to explore the city. But since we arrived yesterday morning, we’ve been able to walk about the city and explore. Even at night, the weather has been pleasant for walking around, and the shops tend to stay open until 10 p.m.

Our apartment is only a few blocks away from the SDA, where we’ll have our appointment tomorrow morning. Being centrally located is fanastic, and we’re just a short stroll down to Independence Square, which is beautifully lit at night. I hope to have some pictures so I can post them as well.

The apartment itself is wonderful—containing more amenities than I ever dreamed we’d have on this trip: a washer, hot water—heck, even air conditioning. Can you imagine? Not me! The rooms here are spacious. My only complaint is the bed—which, in all fairness, I’ve had bad beds in nice hotels, too…so I’m not complaining too loudly.

As I suspected, it’s easier for me to Tweet than to post on our blog, so look forward to my random updates in the Twitter column of this blog. I have Pa’s Blackberry, so I’m able to check mail, and use Twitter. (My Twitter handle is LaFemmeMonkita).

I feel much more at peace than I did back home. It’s just no use stressing out over something which I can’t control—namely, what sort of referrals we’ll get during tomorrow’s appointment. I’ll admit I’m nervous, but not stressed.

Mt. Na likes Kiev so far. We bought him a Donetsk Schacter Soccer scarf from a street vendor at Independence Square last night and the woman gave him a Ukrainian Flag which he waved around triumphantly for the rest of the evening. I love having him with us because as Pa and I fumble through broken Russian, pointing and grunting and sounding completely idiotic, people tend to dote over Mr. Na. It’s a nice balance.

Reuniting with Klas, our facilitator, has been a wonderful experience. He’s like an old friend. He’s been giving us some insight as to our appointment—managing our expectations. I won’t say too much but he has cautioned us that Mr. Na’s adoption was, indeed, something short of a miracle. We cannot, he stressed, plan on having a repeat performance. I knew this, of course, but Klas pretty much sealed it for me.

So today, we’re off sightseeing. Pa’s looking at the Bradt guide to plan our day, but he’s just informed me that if we want to go see the Monastery and Caves, I’ll need to wear a skirt that covers my knees; a scarf for my head; and no makeup.

Well, that just about kills that idea, doesn’t it?

Man oh man, I had a bad morning, and 99.999% of it is because of our trip. Y’see, I’m making this awful mistake of reading the blogs from people who are in Ukraine right now. One couple is actually using our facilitator. They’re happy with the referral they got, but they requested a girl between the ages of 6-13 years-old. The other couple I’m following had their appointment on the same day as the first couple I mentioned, and they requested a 6-8 year-old girl, and rejected all three of the referrals they were shown. They’re having their second appointment on Monday to see if they get new referrals. Sounds ok so far, right? But the couple using our facilitator writes, “Make sure that before you come over here, you have ‘the talk’ with your spouse to clarify what you will and won’t be willing to accept for a referral. And don’t come in with high expectations.”

Now, Pa and I already had ‘the talk’ but I’m totally freaked that we are going to get there and reject our referrals and go home and then it’s “game over”. I think it’s because secretly (though not so secretly now!) we both want the same exact experience we had when we adopted Na and it’s killing us to know that it just won’t be the same. Pa and I had another little talk last night and he asked me if we should pack any onesies in our luggage and I went, “Why?” and he was like, “because you never know!” and I was like, “Well…there is no one I’ve ‘read’ over the last few years who adopted a child small enough to fit into a onesie.” Which is true though, as Pa pointed out, not everybody comes forward with their success stories on the community adoption boards. In fact, when they do, they get pounced on by everyone else, who accuses them for perpetuating the corruption in Ukraine by bribing people to get a younger, healthy child.

Either way, I’m seriously freaked that our hour at the SDA (the adoption center in Kiev) will pass and we’ll leave without having a referral. Pa says, “Well, we’ll just chalk this up to a really expensive vacation to Ukraine and call it a day…” but I can’t do that. See, that’s why I’m going in the first place…to find that special little someone to complete our family. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be devastated if we came home without him or her. Yet that’s the risk we take for adopting.

Pa constantly reminds me, as he peels me off the wall when I get like this, that I had the same exact fear before we went to Ukraine the first time. And when I say, “yeah, but…” he counters with, “yeah but it was yeah but last time, too, and look what happened.”

Look indeed. I look at that kid every day and marvel over how awesome (albeit goofy) he truly is!

Well, after nine days, I was really glad to see Pa and Na.  It was nice to stay at home and enjoy the quiet time, but I’ll admit, it got a little too quiet.  I just felt like something was…missing!

Na had a lot of fun with Grandma and Grandpa last week.  He’s sporting a little heat rash right now, though, underneath his chin, which makes his look like he’s got muttonchops.  For as long as I’ve known him, the poor kid does not do well in humidity and high heat.  I am a little worried about how he’ll be in Ukraine without air conditioning or fans.  Then again, I’m a little worried for myself, too!

I think the anticipation of our trip next week has gotten us a little nervous.  I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep and I felt Pa flopping around a little bit now and then.  I kept thinking about the fact that the toddler bed Na’s sleeping in still needs to be converted back into a crib…maybe.  And I think it’s the uncertainty, more than anything, that’s keeping me awake.  That and Pa’s got (another) plane to catch this morning, but this time he’ll only be in San Francisco for two days.  It could be worse, I guess.

I just feel like we haven’t gotten anywhere with our house.  The trim I painted for the den is still down in the basement, waiting to be brought back up to the den nailed to the wall.  I still need to tackle the painting in Na’s new bedroom, but Pa needs to be here for more than a day so he can start taking stuff down off of those walls.  We still need to go out and get Na a mattress set for his new room, which also means going out and buying new bedding, new drapes, a new carpet.  All sounds fun, I know, but I can’t really do these things until Pa and I have a few days to get organized.  We’ve got to do it now, too, before we leave because Pa is staying in Ukraine through the end of August, with the hopes he’ll be bringing the little one home himself.  The building of Na’s new bunk bed will just have to wait until…September?

I asked last night if he could install the window AC in Na’s room and in the den since our summer in Seattle is officially “here”.  After dinner, I took Scout on a 5 mile run and came home, noticing that Na’s window was still AC-less.  I went inside and saw Pa sitting at Na’s little table in the kitchen with a cracked-open AC.

“Remember how I always said that if you’re not careful when installing the AC, it could easily fall out the window?” he asked, holding up a detached power cord.

“Oh no!” I said.

Apparently, Pa had the AC installed in the window and all seemed well until he tried to move it over a fraction of an inch, when all of a sudden…BAM!  The AC fell 30 feet into a garden bed!

“At least it had a soft landing,” he said.

“At least we only spent $75 on the thing!”

And that was when we came to the realization that it would probably be safer if we just replace it; but since Pa’s on the road again, we’ll have to wait a few more days.

On the plus side, things we needed to do before our trip are coming together nicely.   I’m putting together a binder for our housesitter/dog watcher; I’ve “ordered” the money we need to take with us next week (Ukraine is a cash society and so paying for things like a hotel room or an apartment, in addition to food, transportation, the orphanage donation, Klas’s translation fees, etc must all be paid for in crisp, brand new U.S. dollars); and Klas’s gift arrived yeseterday, which is something he needs but cannot order to take delivery in Ukraine.

So, little by little, things will get done.  And those that don’t…won’t, for awhile.  I’m re-learning to go with the flow.  It’s definitely not my nature but it’s something I need to get used to now since that’s the way to survive in Ukraine!

I really want to apologize if you’ve come to this site for adoption news, only to be offended by the questionable advertising. I’ve e-mailed the adminstrators at Today.com and hope to resolve this issue as soon as possible. Needless to say, it’s embarrassing and in poor taste.

Thank you for your patience!